Self Control

[Dr Philip Agrios]

If you are physically stronger than someone else, then you can possibly control them in a physical manner, but you are not able to gain control over their very essence of who he or she is, unless that person willingly gives it to you.

No one makes us happy, angry, sad or depressed. We and we alone are the responsible ones for self control that includes our feelings and emotions. When faced with outside stresses, even though we may think we have no self control over, we still have the choice to allow these to impact us.

An example might be if you are stuck in a traffic jam. Though none of us particularly care for them, we know that they are going to happen. Now we can look at the situation in different ways, and make a choice whether they are stressful or not.

If you are going to miss an important appointment, you may become upset, and view this situation as a negative.

On the other hand perhaps it will make you late for an appointment, with someone you don’t care for. Thus shortening the time you have to spend with that person. This could be viewed as a positive.

Another possibility is to look at it as ‘just is’ situation, making a choice not to allow the situation to really affect you at all. Again, you are the only controller of your own feelings and emotions. You decide which influences will affect you.

Influence is power. To have influence over anybody or anything gives you power over them, but remember you only have control over yourself and no one else unless they give it to you.

We may be able to influence other people, but they make the ultimate decision to follow or not to follow your request. The opposite is also true. They also have the ability to influence and control you.

Interacting with people and things is a continual act of influencing, positioning ourselves in a way that we feel comfortable, safe and secure. When we feel that we do not have control or influence over a situation, we feel that our safety and security has been compromised without our permission. What we often don’t realize is that we DID give permission to that person to control us when we were influenced. Yes, permission! Influencing is getting permission!

Compromising is to give a person permission to influence us, because we may benefit from it. By compromising we give that person a little power. We allow them into our reality. By compromising we are creating new rules specifically for that particular relationship.

Our outcome of a situation will be dependent on how the influence was obtained. There are Three Ways to Influence;

(1)Scare Tactics – Using fear or force
(2)Guilt Tactics – Using shame or blame
(3)Respect Tactics – Using acknowledgement and respect

The first two tactics are most likely what you use most of the time. How can you tell? If you are a business a person, would you treat your customers the same as you do your family? If the answer is no, then you are using the first two.

I was raised in the Catholic faith, and weaned on the first two. My opinion really didn’t matter. My parents were brought up the same way, and it was their perception of good parenting. They did the best they could with the resources that they had available.

As children, did our opinions matter? Were we worth something or anything? I like to say that “Children should be unfolded, not molded”.

Everyone has worth, and it depends on what you think that you are worth. Were you influenced into believing that you are a loser? Told that children should be seen and not heard? What influences in your life do you still believe?

If you still have feelings that your worth is low, then those situations from your past are still playing out today. They are keeping your reality of worthlessness. Your parents that might have treated you badly might be dead, but perhaps you married someone or have a boss that treats you the same way. You keep these people around because it is more painful to be treated with self worth. It is ‘uncomfortable’ to be treated with self worth.

Remember that it is Your world, Your rules, Your reality. You’re the casting director of your own life. You choose the people and the things that are in your life. Your life is ultimately your responsibility, you created it.

By allowing others to control your life, you have relinquished your control and responsibilities. Your life is theirs now. They can do what they choose with it. If you don’t like how others are treating Your Life, then you need to fire them and take back control.

Don’t blame others for ruining your life, you gave them full control. You shouldn’t blame yourself either. It was a great experiment you went through. Learn and grow from it, and then move on.

Blame! What a great tool to use. We don’t have to take responsibility for our own actions. With blame we can focus on someone else’s weaknesses instead of our own.

To learn more about the book go to Life’s One Law: Taking the Guesswork Out of Life!

To tune into the radio show Life’s One Law every Tuesday at 1:30 PM Eastern by going to Real Coaching Radio Network



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